The saddest wedding...

Today, I went to my saddest wedding ever!

I've been finding it really difficult to find time to write here. But today, I just really need to share my sadness.

I already knew for quite some time that Eween, my late brother's girlfriend is getting married this year. I received her wedding invitation about two weeks ago and she smsed me last week. I've been contemplating whether I should go or not, but I finally relented.

This morning, I thought I finally find my strength to rejoice with her. So we went there really early, before 12pm. We parked the car near Kak Normah's house and luckily we met Kak Arah, Along Zali and Kak Normah and Abang Sham. So, we went together. The kids were hungry, so I was busy trying to get food for them. I was okay at first, but when I met Eween's mother, she was also teary eyed, the dam just burst! Uncontrolled, unbridled, the tears just couldn't seem to stop.

It was supposed to be my brother who's going to be the king of the day, but it wasn't meant to be. I was supposed to be part of the groom's family, but I was not, I was just there as a guest. So, even though I tried to smile, but tears were streaming my face, I just couldn't stop crying.

When I got everybody settled, I went into the house and went to see Eween. She was such a beautiful bride. I was so happy to see her but I didn't manage to say all the things that I wanted to say, I just gave her the money packet and bid her farewell. I gave her a thousand, part of the money that Ayang left me, as a token of my appreciation for being Ayang's rock all those years ago.

Actually, I wanted to thank her for being there for my brother, for all her doa for his soul, for the happiness and the sadness that she shared with him for all those years. I really wish her the best in her life because she really deserve happiness, here and the hereafter. But nothing came out of my mouth, because I'm afraid that I'll start crying again infront of her and I don't want her to feel any sadness on her big day.

I managed to eat the food while crying, luckily surrounded by family and close friends. I'm so lucky to have these friends that would just accept me for who I am. I was totally not strong enough today. After eating, I quickly made my escape but not before I met Eween's mother again and I teared up once again. I was really sad, but deep in my heart I know that, 'we can only plan, but everything is up to Allah's will'.

So, at the end of the day, I was so glad that I went to Eween's wedding today. Though, I could have been tougher but I'm glad that I could still cry.

Ayang, dear brother, be happy for Eween and I hope you also meet your match in heaven, with Ayah and Mak there to witness your happy day. Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmat oleh Allah, Al-fatihah... I love you.