I had a dream about my brother last night. The one who's not with us anymore...
I don't normally dream. If I do, I would hardly remember it. But last night, I woke up, maybe because I was too emotional.
What do I remember about the dream? I remembered walking through a gate when someone walked past me. When I looked up, it was Ayang. What made me so surprised was because he was wearing one of his favourite shirt, the white and red one. Tears just came spontaneously when he looked at me sadly, with an apologetic look on his face...
When I tried to turn round he was already sitting on a bus and when I waved at him, he just looked back at me with that sad look on his face. I cried and cried and that woke me up.
Since his passing, I never dreamt about him before, never. It's been eight months, eight long months... In the beginning, I did not even dare to dream about him but as the months passed even when I wished that I could dream about him, I never did, until last night.
Maybe because I was so tired with all the activities that I let my guard down. Maybe... But honestly I'm so glad I 'met' him. Maybe he wants me to let him go. Maybe it's a sign that he has moved on and for me to accept his passing.
It's been eight long months but hardly a day goes by that I would not shed a tear or two remembering him. People see me always smiling, always happy but it's just my way of coping with my loss. If I stay at home I would be very lonely. Even when I'm doing something mundane like doing the laundry, I would suddenly remember him and I would cry. Cooking dishes that I know he loved would break me down also. There were just too many memories. Maybe he wants me to start living again.
Whatever it is, I'm so glad that I dreamt about him. It's such a long time since I saw him last. It's over a year ago at KLIA actually, when he sent us to the airport going to Sudan. That was the first and the last time I hugged him (we're not a lovey-dovey family). We only 'salam' each other during raya...hehehe, but we know we love and care about each other. That's the only thing that matters.
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him so much...
Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku, tempatkanlah adik ku di kalangan orang-orang beriman... Al-fatihah... Amin...
4 comments:
kadang2 mimpikan orang tersayang yg dah tinggalkan kita seumpama pengubat rindu. i pun kalau i mimpikan my mom & my dad, i rasa tak nak bangun dari tidur...rasa nak sambung tidur dan sambung mimpi. dalam mimpi jer dapat jumpa die orang...
al fatihah untuk adik you.
Ina..kalau ada rezeki lebih..sedekahkan dan niatkan umpama arwah yang sedekah...insyaAllah sampai pahala dan rahmat Allah kepada si arwah.
i think ur bro came to visit u... just like wat my late father did after he passed away for a week - because when he died, all the children werent around. he was wearing a white jubah n was smiling at me.
like u too, not a day goes by that i don't miss my mother. what i remember the most was her hands when she was rubbing my back when i had dengue...n the same hands clasped my hands tightly when she was dying...n the fact that when i recited the surah to her ear when she's in coma, her hand squeezed mine back...
those who lost their beloved will never be the same again... we're those ppl, ina...but we also have to accept that it's god's will...
Ina, betul apa yang Nora cakap and it's including me. Till now I still miss my arwah atuk n nenek yang besarkan myself. May the badal haji that you're going to do for your late family members diterima Allah.. I feel so sad reading this blog of ayang..We're always here for you.
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